A Genuine Apology In Three Steps: A Guide For Couples
When a hurt has occurred in a relationship, a genuine apology can be healing. However, an ill formed apology can lead to more hurt and misunderstandings in a relationship. Reflecting on the hundreds of couples who I have witnessed and coach through genuine apologies in couples therapy, I have come up with three simple steps to follow when offering an apology to your partner:
Really listen for understanding to your partner’s experience and emotions. When we are hurt by a loved one, intentionally or unintentionally, a lot of the pain comes from feeling misunderstood, dismissed or ignored by someone we love and are vulnerable with. Putting down our defenses and making an honest effort to understand our partner’s emotional experience is the basis of a genuine apology.
Be specific and concise. Acknowledge that your actions hurt your partner and name specifically what you are apologizing for. Avoid lengthy explanations or tangential descriptions that can lead to bringing up other issues. This can lead to the hurt partner feeling that their feelings about the specific incident have been minimized. I have seen it so many times in couples therapy; a partner has started off in the right direction but gets side tracked and keeps going. In a couples counseling session, I will often stop the partner by saying something like, “let’s slow down, I want your partner to hear the apology you just offered.”
Offer a specific way you will change your behavior in the future. Make a commitment to changing hurtful behavior in your relationship, and then follow through! We can only get to this point when we truly understand the pain our actions cause our loved ones. If your partner is hurt by a behavior you don’t feel you can change, or feel is unfair to ask you to change, then it is not an appropriate time for an apology for that behavior. Only apologize for behaviors that you are willing to work on changing.